String Cheese Incident

I can't tell stories.

He says i'd be better off if i tried.

I think he may be right. Or maybe not.

I went to an abs class last night at the rec. 30 minutes of "attack position". Jackie our instructor said that we accomplished something tonight. It was the best thing ive heard all month.
I believe that half hour meant more to me than all the years ive been in school. Perhaps not the first year and a half. Why? Because i was doing something. I was using my hands. I was engaged in the process.
I can talk endlessly about the things i have done. The things i did for a period of time; the things i got to know. I've stopped doing and started thinking. Suddenly everything has become intangible, everything has become some byproduct of an everlasting headtrip. Tell me how to tell stories about that.

If i could just believe that all but one is a waste, then i would be OK.
There are eight (if i am not mistaken) individual swimming events at the high school level.
I was pretty good at all of them (except for 100 back. I do not believe that asking someone to float around on their back is conducive for proper competition...weirdos)
But I was not stellar at one of them. I asked myself time and time again if it was worth it. Was it worth it to be pretty good at all of them? To be considered versatile is more valuble than being a champion?
I said it was but i was just trying to make myself feel better. Thats some painful shit for it not being worth it.

(But i could split a 25 in fly and damn they to believe that they could take back those yards after brennan and i got done with them. Who Dey.)

I think i will exhaust life as i know it, as it comes to me. I do not decline opportunities to experience something that i have not yet experienced and i will never walk away from a conversation where i can learn something new. But i cannot stay there forever. so i must therefore get to know this uncomfortable feeling of patience, versatility, and the speed at which it all passes me by.

I'm not ending on that because that's just damn cheesy.

A coconut is the largest known seed in the world. Once a coconut falls from a palm tree, it takes about three years for this seed to take root and sprout into a new tree.

I'm moving to San Diego becuase its freaking snowing here.
And i dont give a hoot that its still January.

All in favor of spitting into the wind?
eye.

ive found a secret, of course

punctiliousness

I. Need to convince myself that i matter. Because i cannot tell everyone else what i know.



megan, i love you.

Dear Future Me,

Hello. How are you? I am fine. I am happy.

Let this be a reminder to your worthless entity.

I'm filling out applications to schools again. I'm getting excited. The majority of this excitement comes from having something to do today. When you dont feel like doing anything and you start to resent school again, please remember that i am here feeling joyous because i am filling out school applications.

You choose.

I'll be in touch.

-Jerry

i have previously posted 69 times

and the jokes never die.


i keep thinking about what to write next and then i forget to write and then i just forget altogether.

fact is im tired of the things im thinking about because i whine and complain and i apologize for it which only makes people get the sad brow and reassure me which then just pisses me off because i start thinking about gender sterotypes and how women are and how its not really true which just brings me back to second guesssing myself and twisting my brain tighter into the knot of which it is circular thinking.

but lets try this.

I, Meredith Lobsinger, solidified in identity by the script on her nametag, am:

no.

haha, nevermind, im drinking so i dont want to go there right now.

there are just too many options every moment of the day.

dont study english. you can get all tripped up on anything else and how many options there are but at least you can still talk about them. When you study speech, you become inhibited to talk about how you talk about speech.

maybe i do freak myself out but for freckles sake i lose my words. I wish i didn't have to. i wonder if sign language has a word for "front" or "assonance" or "autonomy".

there is nothing without language.

i gotta start doing something im good at or ill bust. I can't stop myself from thinking about all the stupid shit ive done.
I hit Jenny Rounds in the back of the head with a softball during warm ups when Mr. Dillon made me catch for the first time.
I got involved with a pyriamid scheme because i was desperate and thought that my manipulation skills would really pay off this time (fantasy/reality...o you have no idea)
I told Ferk that i hoped he was proud of me during his retirement party and ill never ever be able to get the image of his face out of my head for as long as i live. And so long live the frustration.

well ok. thats it really. God forgive me for those, this is blogger therapy.
fact is there's nothing wrong with me. That's a scary fact. Give up get married go to church and get a job. Buy a couch, some laundry detergent, a potato peeler.

I'm afraid of originality. I'm afraid that i dont have any. I dont want to listen to anyone else. I dont really want to go look it up on the internet. O im rolling now.

Today while i was at the rec rocking my elyptical machine and silently competing against the girl next to me without looking like i was trying...
i stare at the construction workers building the new ice rink from the windows. I'm not really thinking of anything but i try to. I wanted to drape a sign from the scaffolding about our insane "health concious" culture and i was wondering how i could get up there or how i could hang some large cloth banner and i immediately thought of the internet.
of course, i can go look it up on the internet.
i hate the internet.
but thats where i am aren't i?
and so are you.

Dear Jodo,

early this morning, i ate a 36$ steak with my fingers while standing in front of my refrigerator completely blitzed out of my mind.

so no, i dont think im quite ready for culinary school and professional chefdom
but thanks for the encouragement.


i believe that people who say that they do not care what other people think of them
are liars.