Daddy bought me this. Daddy bought me all of this. 29 days ago daddy bought me a new laptop, and I have 1 day left to buy office.
Kinda think that’s funny.
Kinda think its funny to see my daddy in an office. Kinda think its funny to see my daddy in his office, selling printing to people he understands, but misunderstanding things they buy. What do we buy. Do we buy words?
This is Microsoft (auto-wordily capitalized…amazingly, think about it) word. I keep typing off (and the automatice button prompts Office 2004 Test Drive User)
Yup, that’s right.
Automafice. Sounds right to me. This is why creativing writing majors don’t read over their work (think about it)
And this is why I do not ever want to have one of these things under my fingers again.
Megan,
If youre reading. You deserve this, for all these reasons. Ive found a few, grammar few, who I can rely on. When I start walking, or riding (im working on this one , thislife.org, episode, #111…funny you should search that site “adventures”) well my plan is to give this to you. You deserve it more than I do. You deserve well, the fucking world…black and blue, pink and white. I love you. What an amazing story you would make, thinking of me, walking/riding the world in your words. Oh wait, ive heard it. Good god, im so thankful you write.
Speaking of giving all you’re soul holds…
I thought, coming home, maybe after awhile, wouldn’t be so bad right?
I thought about that when I came clean to my bad ass high school grad colleage at UDF, whom I told, please do not go to college if you do not know what the fuck you are doing….
Well he’s going to be a business major and he’s a pretty boy, searching for a Miami apartment, so lets let the stereotypes abound until they call, then they cry, then they crawl back to you…
How about one more speaking of..
I thought coming home, maybe after awhile, wouldn’t be so bad right?
Wanna know why?
I love my family. I love my family so much. I love my family so much to let them know that I hate them. Yea that’s right. 2 of 3 of you have access to reading this and this is what I think.
I think we’ve been too nice for too long.
The Katrate Kid came out when I was born. So did 1984. The book, George Orwell? Well fuck if I read it, but dad, c’mon, you know about big brother???
So the same strange shit has been going on since the day I popped out (which, let me remind you, is the same womb you and I came from, meg…and the woman who owns it, well, I’ve been a little distant from. Imagine that beauty)
Well, Mr. Miyagi,
You taught me life is a journey, not a destination.
Sometimes I wish you knew your destination so I could know mine.
http://www.fast-rewind.com/kkid/
http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=oxford,+OH+karate&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8
http://www.mymiami.muohio.edu/news_events.php
http://www.google.com/u/muohio?site=search&hl=en&lr=&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=miami+equestrian&btnG=Search
http://www.admin.muohio.edu/apps/miamijobs/jobsOnLine/positonDetail.cfm?positionNumber=2172
http://www.admin.muohio.edu/apps/miamijobs/jobsOnLine/positonDetail.cfm?positionNumber=2172
(just because this does not work, feel the bullshit…on fiberoptic communication…2x the unreal, so real…………………..something so fake. Resumes are obsolete. Look at what education has gotten you)
To whom it may concern:
I am a miami student looking for training in horse care and basic riding skills. I've had prior experience with horses, but the experience was through a family friend, very informal and quite some time ago. I'm looking for a stronger experience in attempts to obtain possible jobs at various ranches in colorado or montana. I will not be a full time student next semester so i cannot simply take an equestrian class through miami. I'm looking to do all stable jobs in return for time around the horses. Free employment! If you can help me, or give me any further unformation, i would be so greatful.
Thanks very much,
Meredith Lobsinger
…(rephrased)….
To the obsolete that has placed this add:
I’m a fuck up in your prestigious piece of garbage school passionately wanting a way out to live my life the simple way it should be. However, because of marketing manure that this country has put in to place, I am being a piece of shit (the same shit from a horses ass that I am willing to pick up for free, so you will see at the end of my well written proposal that will never be responded to) … o shit again, it looks like I have made my point. Well, how about a story that no one carse about. Well, I used to be small and free and stupid and thus brilliant, and I had a family who knew someone else who had a farm. Funny how the simple things like names slowly fade away.
Well beyond the cats in the hayloft and feeling the duty of shucking corn for dinner without having to be told, I remember taking a walk on a horse, not in the stable, or the ring off the left of the barn, I remember you all sitting there, and I think it was amy there walking me on a white horse, and well, get on your bootstraps, the horse shook its mane and nehed. Yea neh. Shook its mane, and I was on its back being walked around, and I think you all laughed, but I wanted to make it canter without amy behind me.
Funny how the things that hold so close, Mr. Miyagi are things we haven’t lost hold of at all.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Monday, April 25, 2005
go ahead, pick ten cards
any ten cards
...
You're not happy.
You're good at pretending that everything in your life is good and you give off a great sense of security and self confidence, but you're not satisfied.
You dont know yourself well. You're restless, unsettled. You're a great pretender.
You like to give the impression that you're happy to be by yourself but in reality, you're mortified that your relationships failed and you believe that its your fault that they failed
and it may be so.
Regret in that area has caused you a great deal of pain.
You dont have many lifelong friends. The friends you have you made while you were with someone else and you weren't close to them; they were mostly your lover's or your other friends friends.
Some of them wanted to be close to you, but they thought you were inaccessible or that you were aloof.
You're very secretive.
And you dont trust easily.
And when you do let someone in, you regret it or resent them.
I think that you feel sooner or later everyone is a disappointment.
You can be assertive and hands on, especially in a crisis, but i think you live in constant fear of tragedy.
You're very very afraid of change.
You've met a man? That you're very taken with?
Maybe you're even obsessed with him.
But i dont think he's affectionate. And he's not someone that you can get to know intimately and you should be careful about misunderstandings because you have a tendency to become quickly infatuated and then you get embarrassed or depressed because things didn't turn out the way you expected them to.
You're a daydreamer.
And you should be careful because you definitely have a tendency to set yourself up for falls.
...
you should let me know if we're moving in the right direction. its possible that we could take a wrong turn and get lost,
especially since its our first time.
...
You're not happy.
You're good at pretending that everything in your life is good and you give off a great sense of security and self confidence, but you're not satisfied.
You dont know yourself well. You're restless, unsettled. You're a great pretender.
You like to give the impression that you're happy to be by yourself but in reality, you're mortified that your relationships failed and you believe that its your fault that they failed
and it may be so.
Regret in that area has caused you a great deal of pain.
You dont have many lifelong friends. The friends you have you made while you were with someone else and you weren't close to them; they were mostly your lover's or your other friends friends.
Some of them wanted to be close to you, but they thought you were inaccessible or that you were aloof.
You're very secretive.
And you dont trust easily.
And when you do let someone in, you regret it or resent them.
I think that you feel sooner or later everyone is a disappointment.
You can be assertive and hands on, especially in a crisis, but i think you live in constant fear of tragedy.
You're very very afraid of change.
You've met a man? That you're very taken with?
Maybe you're even obsessed with him.
But i dont think he's affectionate. And he's not someone that you can get to know intimately and you should be careful about misunderstandings because you have a tendency to become quickly infatuated and then you get embarrassed or depressed because things didn't turn out the way you expected them to.
You're a daydreamer.
And you should be careful because you definitely have a tendency to set yourself up for falls.
...
you should let me know if we're moving in the right direction. its possible that we could take a wrong turn and get lost,
especially since its our first time.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
ahhhhhhhaaaaaaaa
i want to kill the suede dress
shes worked here for years
wanted to paint my face
in the usual mirror
of some early morning
green and fuscia
with no body around
to tell the wrong
ah ha
but i believe in spring
i believe in spring babe
something out of death
bright colors of the death
killing witch
well thats an act of kindness
ask if she knows
the now blossoms in springtime
with something fruity fresh
ask her if she knows the now
in springtime.
shes worked here for years
wanted to paint my face
in the usual mirror
of some early morning
green and fuscia
with no body around
to tell the wrong
ah ha
but i believe in spring
i believe in spring babe
something out of death
bright colors of the death
killing witch
well thats an act of kindness
ask if she knows
the now blossoms in springtime
with something fruity fresh
ask her if she knows the now
in springtime.
Friday, April 08, 2005
bleep.
This is.
Strange
Have you ever seen yourself through the eyes of someone else that you have become?
And looked at yourself through the eyes of the ultimate observer?
Have you ever thought about what thoughts are made of?
is everyone a mystery?
Is everyone an enigma?
They most certainly are.
Be in the mystery.
Its time to get wise.
Why do I like the man that sits behind the fireplace?
So who sees then?
Does the brain see?
Or do the eyes see?
(why does the brain posses a plural possessive whule the eyes, just becase they are two posses a singular?)
is reaiity what we’re seeing with our brain
or is reality what we’re seeing with our eyes?
Brain does not know the difference between what it sees
And what it remembers
Because the same neuronets are then firing
So then
What is reality?
Processing
Processing
Bubbling up to conciousness
4 billion a second
but we are only aware of
2 thousand of those
but the awareness is about
2 thousand of those
are about
our body our environment about time
receiving without integrating it
eyes always
but the brain cannot take it in
the camera is seeing a lot more than it is
because
it has no objection and no judgment
do our eyes see more than what our brain has the conscious ability to object?
Strange
Have you ever seen yourself through the eyes of someone else that you have become?
And looked at yourself through the eyes of the ultimate observer?
Have you ever thought about what thoughts are made of?
is everyone a mystery?
Is everyone an enigma?
They most certainly are.
Be in the mystery.
Its time to get wise.
Why do I like the man that sits behind the fireplace?
So who sees then?
Does the brain see?
Or do the eyes see?
(why does the brain posses a plural possessive whule the eyes, just becase they are two posses a singular?)
is reaiity what we’re seeing with our brain
or is reality what we’re seeing with our eyes?
Brain does not know the difference between what it sees
And what it remembers
Because the same neuronets are then firing
So then
What is reality?
Processing
Processing
Bubbling up to conciousness
4 billion a second
but we are only aware of
2 thousand of those
but the awareness is about
2 thousand of those
are about
our body our environment about time
receiving without integrating it
eyes always
but the brain cannot take it in
the camera is seeing a lot more than it is
because
it has no objection and no judgment
do our eyes see more than what our brain has the conscious ability to object?
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
and then the ones that let you vomit
You were thinking that I would leave you out of this?
After tonight?
Too many rooms to fill that I cant remember
Too many memories when nothing else maters
Even kid rock?
C’mon
We’re talking about god here
Unless we’re not actually talking.
Unless talking doesn’t mean anything
until it echoes through the empty
rooms (full of potential) where
we would be, if time and space
were different. At least
we know. At least we can
prevent what’s to come. We’ve got
batman
o shit
that’s so
French
Casement
Ice storm
70 degrees getting around freezing by nighttime
this is what you’ve been telling me to watch
the cold front
holding the density of the warmth
this is you.
Everything that comes after is
Nothing obscure
It means
The way you look at
The way you look at slipcovers forever
It’s the way I look
Under you.
Everyone is busy putting
in an appearance.
We know how to feel
no pain, but we don’t
know how to absorb it
with sourdough
bread, with chocolate,
with mineral water.
Do we think we can make loose
beams and a red brick fireplace
into something substantial?
Honey, it’s just us. We’re
In charge. We have
To knead the bread
Ourselves. We have to
Take care
Before I feel really bad about my life
I want to remember that I said
Get out of the car
That I said
I know who you are
That I said
Take a walk through this
Fireplace
That nothing could replace
Your room
of what I remember of your face
In that room
And now I sound like lenny kravitiz
But I mean more than trying to rhyme
But you mean more than trying to rhyme
When you’re trying that hard.
The karma sign
Think about Field of Dreams
And about Jane’s
Next big alcoholic break
Sleep my love
Till beaches sleep.
After tonight?
Too many rooms to fill that I cant remember
Too many memories when nothing else maters
Even kid rock?
C’mon
We’re talking about god here
Unless we’re not actually talking.
Unless talking doesn’t mean anything
until it echoes through the empty
rooms (full of potential) where
we would be, if time and space
were different. At least
we know. At least we can
prevent what’s to come. We’ve got
batman
o shit
that’s so
French
Casement
Ice storm
70 degrees getting around freezing by nighttime
this is what you’ve been telling me to watch
the cold front
holding the density of the warmth
this is you.
Everything that comes after is
Nothing obscure
It means
The way you look at
The way you look at slipcovers forever
It’s the way I look
Under you.
Everyone is busy putting
in an appearance.
We know how to feel
no pain, but we don’t
know how to absorb it
with sourdough
bread, with chocolate,
with mineral water.
Do we think we can make loose
beams and a red brick fireplace
into something substantial?
Honey, it’s just us. We’re
In charge. We have
To knead the bread
Ourselves. We have to
Take care
Before I feel really bad about my life
I want to remember that I said
Get out of the car
That I said
I know who you are
That I said
Take a walk through this
Fireplace
That nothing could replace
Your room
of what I remember of your face
In that room
And now I sound like lenny kravitiz
But I mean more than trying to rhyme
But you mean more than trying to rhyme
When you’re trying that hard.
The karma sign
Think about Field of Dreams
And about Jane’s
Next big alcoholic break
Sleep my love
Till beaches sleep.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
o la
i keep checking this thing hoping that there will be something new and exciting, but i forget that im the one that has to write something.
so its beautiful outside and thats awesome.
god i cant wait for this semester to be over.
so its beautiful outside and thats awesome.
god i cant wait for this semester to be over.
Friday, March 04, 2005
its just more of that he said she said
He said:
kind of friends?!
take that back, you dont mean that, take that back.
she said:
he said:
you know me better than anyone. you've seen everything.
she said:
(what does he know about me?)
but she would have to say that to make it count.
and that would be selfish.
1)say you're sorry 100 times a day.
2)tell yourself you're the only one you can rely on.
3)realize that the world owes you nothing.
4)remind yourself not a soul is contracted to do, be, or say anything for you.
5)dont let your mouth go about your problems, no one cares.
6)remain objective when listening to refrain from caring too much.
7)please do not cry in public.
8)stay still in order to not draw any attention to yourself.
9)isolate all feelings until they become fragmented and spastic.
10)scream.
kind of friends?!
take that back, you dont mean that, take that back.
she said:
he said:
you know me better than anyone. you've seen everything.
she said:
(what does he know about me?)
but she would have to say that to make it count.
and that would be selfish.
1)say you're sorry 100 times a day.
2)tell yourself you're the only one you can rely on.
3)realize that the world owes you nothing.
4)remind yourself not a soul is contracted to do, be, or say anything for you.
5)dont let your mouth go about your problems, no one cares.
6)remain objective when listening to refrain from caring too much.
7)please do not cry in public.
8)stay still in order to not draw any attention to yourself.
9)isolate all feelings until they become fragmented and spastic.
10)scream.
to the skin
i just figured out why i do this
ive been trying to write a story about you megan
and its not the best but you're whats on my mind
so i hope, eventhough after so long there has been nothing
but bad e-mails and depseration and love
because you're the only one that checks
i hope you check again.
the world is big, but there are only so many people you really think about.
if i am history now
I'm listening to Paul Simon
like a young girl hooked on an american icon
(something like televsion and magazines)
an eigth of a beer left
(if you cant come up with that disjuction)
to leave me in my own
no more fat boy cause he cant go slim without an addiction.
slip sliding away
come back now to the piece of you that you cant remember
slip sliding away
if i cant remember what am i sliding from
slip sliding away
towards
you know the nearer your destination
the more you slip slidin away
i wish the voice was so smooth to explain
these are the very words she uses to describe her life
dolores, slip slidin away
my love for you is so overpowering that im afraid i might dissapear
a good day aint got no reign
a bad day
is when i lay in bed and think of things that might have been
never been a parent.
from what i know, i dont know what that feels like.
then theres god and life
the voice can make someone calm
for four minutes and 43 seconds
then you're on your own
ive been trying to write a story about you megan
and its not the best but you're whats on my mind
so i hope, eventhough after so long there has been nothing
but bad e-mails and depseration and love
because you're the only one that checks
i hope you check again.
the world is big, but there are only so many people you really think about.
if i am history now
I'm listening to Paul Simon
like a young girl hooked on an american icon
(something like televsion and magazines)
an eigth of a beer left
(if you cant come up with that disjuction)
to leave me in my own
no more fat boy cause he cant go slim without an addiction.
slip sliding away
come back now to the piece of you that you cant remember
slip sliding away
if i cant remember what am i sliding from
slip sliding away
towards
you know the nearer your destination
the more you slip slidin away
i wish the voice was so smooth to explain
these are the very words she uses to describe her life
dolores, slip slidin away
my love for you is so overpowering that im afraid i might dissapear
a good day aint got no reign
a bad day
is when i lay in bed and think of things that might have been
never been a parent.
from what i know, i dont know what that feels like.
then theres god and life
the voice can make someone calm
for four minutes and 43 seconds
then you're on your own
Sunday, February 13, 2005
moving pictures
i cleaned yesterday.
i did my dishes. i picked things up and stacked them in nice piles, the largest book on the bottom.
i now have beer everywhere. it smells like pizza in here, i even saved the garlic things so maybe my instant brown rice, the only eat item i have left besides black olives will taste like something else besides really nasty teriyaki sauce or shit, garlic. damnit.
i sit here on sundays and i really try to care. i mean everyone feels the same way and we get done whats due tomorrow and laugh when we think about all the extra tasks that wore hope like a blue ribbon with bright eyes sometime before friday fell to the dogs. They got DQed in the end. Never made it to the top spot on the award stand. Maybe next time they'll work real hard for a maroon one. pink? mint green. you know you're a loser when they're handing out pastels.
lets shoot for bold people. Let's win this three-legged race. Lets get the flowers and the photos.
happy freaking valentines day by the way.
i did my dishes. i picked things up and stacked them in nice piles, the largest book on the bottom.
i now have beer everywhere. it smells like pizza in here, i even saved the garlic things so maybe my instant brown rice, the only eat item i have left besides black olives will taste like something else besides really nasty teriyaki sauce or shit, garlic. damnit.
i sit here on sundays and i really try to care. i mean everyone feels the same way and we get done whats due tomorrow and laugh when we think about all the extra tasks that wore hope like a blue ribbon with bright eyes sometime before friday fell to the dogs. They got DQed in the end. Never made it to the top spot on the award stand. Maybe next time they'll work real hard for a maroon one. pink? mint green. you know you're a loser when they're handing out pastels.
lets shoot for bold people. Let's win this three-legged race. Lets get the flowers and the photos.
happy freaking valentines day by the way.
yes well, look out the window. that blue means
its morning.
i lie in an early bed thinking late thoughts waiting for the black to replace my blue...
and then she talks about something love like. is that all we have to replace this shit? i guess so.
and THAT is depressing.
to all of you that have never been in love
me neither. it doesnt happen. prepare yourself if you think you're there, its all going to come to an end. im sorry, im not morbid, im just being real. unless you want to sign a contract...with ring fingers and such and that all happens under god and wow, you're giving up a lot in that case. in that case, well...jesus, stamina will never feel the same. take a sponge and some vinegar with that vodka tonic and you will feel the same in the morning.
to all of you that have never had sex.
i know you have. anyone reading...well christ, if you found this link and you haven't then i have killed the innocence with my fingertips. its just words to you so i dont have to apologize. good luck when you get there. have a lot, thats my advice. suck it raw so in the end you learn that passion does not lie between the sheets or the attempts. open your ears before you open your legs. youll understand. especially if youve given up on darwin. wonder what his sex life was like.
please love though. i mean i just said not to, but if youve been through it all...if well, muffin, too bad, you're that good. read honest in eloquence.
yup well blog blue wont let me do that. want to know? its called comments. do it. she can explain it better than i.
i lie in an early bed thinking late thoughts waiting for the black to replace my blue...
and then she talks about something love like. is that all we have to replace this shit? i guess so.
and THAT is depressing.
to all of you that have never been in love
me neither. it doesnt happen. prepare yourself if you think you're there, its all going to come to an end. im sorry, im not morbid, im just being real. unless you want to sign a contract...with ring fingers and such and that all happens under god and wow, you're giving up a lot in that case. in that case, well...jesus, stamina will never feel the same. take a sponge and some vinegar with that vodka tonic and you will feel the same in the morning.
to all of you that have never had sex.
i know you have. anyone reading...well christ, if you found this link and you haven't then i have killed the innocence with my fingertips. its just words to you so i dont have to apologize. good luck when you get there. have a lot, thats my advice. suck it raw so in the end you learn that passion does not lie between the sheets or the attempts. open your ears before you open your legs. youll understand. especially if youve given up on darwin. wonder what his sex life was like.
please love though. i mean i just said not to, but if youve been through it all...if well, muffin, too bad, you're that good. read honest in eloquence.
yup well blog blue wont let me do that. want to know? its called comments. do it. she can explain it better than i.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
im doomed.
so im sitting in hyena, kofenya or whatever the hell its called doing my damn linguistics work. im sitting in one of those bar chairs against the front picture window and this middle aged dude sits down, no coffee, nothing. after a few minutes he, of course, opens his mouth.
now dont get me wrong, i love strangers. i love register people and the "socrates of oxford" that i see everywhere whom i formally introduced myself to last night. its that big guy, he rides the green route a lot. I love these people. but i dont love these people when i dont get to leave.
"it must be hard to study in here, it being so loud and all" he says to me.
(in the back of my mind, i look around. people are studying. its a college coffee shop. This is a conducive environment for studying.)
No, i say, its not bad. i like it here. (well i did, until now.)
"your place must pretty bad then, pretty loud?"
No, its too quiet actually.
so it goes on like this, chatting, him intruding my sphere, but i listen. its not like i dont want to listen but its the fact that its going somewhere...you can see it. desperation is in the eyes and when you spot it, conversation doesnt matter anymore.
i keep trying to go about my work, structuring phrases into trees. he thinks its science. (no, its life in formula.) he talks about P&G, where he works. he talks about how he used to play gutiar, i think about my dad. we talk about jobs and creative outlets and he asks that god damn question.
"so are you going to write books or something?"
no, im not. but if i were to, you would be in it. so can i please have your writen consent, because i want this to be about truth. and you are so blatantly true.
johnny calls thank god for johnny. i turn in my chair, the other direction and i dont think about it because im involved in a wonderful conversation but as soon as i know the hang up is coming i know what else is on its way.
"sounds like a friend with girl troubles."
yes, you fuck and did you happen to pick up on the fact that i have sexual relations with girls? or did that one slip by you? i mean i know it was a 30 minute coversation and you would feel strange taking notes right? what the hell do you want from me and why the hell do i have to feel bad about honesty?
i pack my shit before i get off the phone. im leaving now. what now.
"so it was nice meeting you. do you want to exchange numbers?"
i dont know you. i dont want to know more than i already do. im more terrible to the people i know best so why do i feel so bad about you?
"um...well (this is called reading body language/facial expressions...o wait im sorry, those aren't that OBVIOUS because im not saying anything right? you mother fucker you have no idea what youre doing to me.) yea, i guess we could do that or something."
hello???? Hesitation? Is that your desperation? i cant do anything for you now, you're in this on your own and im sorry huney, but thats not my problem. This is the only time i advocate being a liar and you're not doing a good job. Start faking it and take it elsewhere.
he gives me his number. mike. 245-1886. says something about the answering machine. i wasnt listening at this point. i havent been listening for awhile. i leave. i walk quickly.
but this is the thing.
im sitting in a coffee shop and im listening to everyone. im even listening to the conversations on the other side of the glass. im thinking about these people i'm not having direct contact with. im just as creepy. but as soon as you say something, as soon as language, your voice, leaves your head in the same voice it was contrived, you've given it away. this is the point when mystery becomes ash and this is the point when you become more than just a stranger, this is the point when your intentions become scary and no one wants to know what you want.
now dont get me wrong, i love strangers. i love register people and the "socrates of oxford" that i see everywhere whom i formally introduced myself to last night. its that big guy, he rides the green route a lot. I love these people. but i dont love these people when i dont get to leave.
"it must be hard to study in here, it being so loud and all" he says to me.
(in the back of my mind, i look around. people are studying. its a college coffee shop. This is a conducive environment for studying.)
No, i say, its not bad. i like it here. (well i did, until now.)
"your place must pretty bad then, pretty loud?"
No, its too quiet actually.
so it goes on like this, chatting, him intruding my sphere, but i listen. its not like i dont want to listen but its the fact that its going somewhere...you can see it. desperation is in the eyes and when you spot it, conversation doesnt matter anymore.
i keep trying to go about my work, structuring phrases into trees. he thinks its science. (no, its life in formula.) he talks about P&G, where he works. he talks about how he used to play gutiar, i think about my dad. we talk about jobs and creative outlets and he asks that god damn question.
"so are you going to write books or something?"
no, im not. but if i were to, you would be in it. so can i please have your writen consent, because i want this to be about truth. and you are so blatantly true.
johnny calls thank god for johnny. i turn in my chair, the other direction and i dont think about it because im involved in a wonderful conversation but as soon as i know the hang up is coming i know what else is on its way.
"sounds like a friend with girl troubles."
yes, you fuck and did you happen to pick up on the fact that i have sexual relations with girls? or did that one slip by you? i mean i know it was a 30 minute coversation and you would feel strange taking notes right? what the hell do you want from me and why the hell do i have to feel bad about honesty?
i pack my shit before i get off the phone. im leaving now. what now.
"so it was nice meeting you. do you want to exchange numbers?"
i dont know you. i dont want to know more than i already do. im more terrible to the people i know best so why do i feel so bad about you?
"um...well (this is called reading body language/facial expressions...o wait im sorry, those aren't that OBVIOUS because im not saying anything right? you mother fucker you have no idea what youre doing to me.) yea, i guess we could do that or something."
hello???? Hesitation? Is that your desperation? i cant do anything for you now, you're in this on your own and im sorry huney, but thats not my problem. This is the only time i advocate being a liar and you're not doing a good job. Start faking it and take it elsewhere.
he gives me his number. mike. 245-1886. says something about the answering machine. i wasnt listening at this point. i havent been listening for awhile. i leave. i walk quickly.
but this is the thing.
im sitting in a coffee shop and im listening to everyone. im even listening to the conversations on the other side of the glass. im thinking about these people i'm not having direct contact with. im just as creepy. but as soon as you say something, as soon as language, your voice, leaves your head in the same voice it was contrived, you've given it away. this is the point when mystery becomes ash and this is the point when you become more than just a stranger, this is the point when your intentions become scary and no one wants to know what you want.
well then.
Let's try a new font to make up for my lack of creativity today.
i am a huge wench. i woke up and made a few hundred apologies. that is not good. if i cant be smart at least be decent. nope, strike three. i belong on the bench.
speaking of, what makes you mad? i mean furious. what memory do you have that makes you absolutely steam? mine is Mr. Dillon, my sophomore year of varsity softball. why the hell did he want me there? all my friends were having fun PLAYING with Mr. Watts and I got to wear pinstripes. Whoopdeefrinkindo. christ, i sucked. i mean i really sucked. he ruined me. he made me put on gear to catch for chiristine rubik. i was so fucking scared i couldnt even throw the ball back. what's that movie? major league? the catcher that had to think of playboy bunnies in order to get the ball back to the pitcher. yea, that didn't work either. in warm-ups i looked like a chicken, a pink one, something ridiculous. i hit jenny rounds in the back of the head with a very very very bad throw to third base. he made a fool out of me. for three innings. then he laughed. i want to murder Mr. Dillon.
why, why why do i do these things to myself. god, my high school and most people in it would be ash right now if i learned the lesson earlier. my nickname in australia was murder. Murder. yes, i look that happy. what the hell is wrong with me.
im a terrible friend. im in this for myself i think, since i cant contribute anything else.
im sorry johnny, i didn't know it was happening. i didn't mean to be so drunk. i didn't mean to arouse a hug when you're the one that needed one.
im sorry steve, i didnt mean to wake up the neighborhood. i didnt mean to call you a liar. im sorry you have to look at me everyday.
im sorry amy and amanda and neely and cat.
im sorry jamie. i morphed into every man i hate.
and to the rest of you, im sorry. I'm sorry you have to be on the receiving end of my loud mouth.
im going back to bed.
i am a huge wench. i woke up and made a few hundred apologies. that is not good. if i cant be smart at least be decent. nope, strike three. i belong on the bench.
speaking of, what makes you mad? i mean furious. what memory do you have that makes you absolutely steam? mine is Mr. Dillon, my sophomore year of varsity softball. why the hell did he want me there? all my friends were having fun PLAYING with Mr. Watts and I got to wear pinstripes. Whoopdeefrinkindo. christ, i sucked. i mean i really sucked. he ruined me. he made me put on gear to catch for chiristine rubik. i was so fucking scared i couldnt even throw the ball back. what's that movie? major league? the catcher that had to think of playboy bunnies in order to get the ball back to the pitcher. yea, that didn't work either. in warm-ups i looked like a chicken, a pink one, something ridiculous. i hit jenny rounds in the back of the head with a very very very bad throw to third base. he made a fool out of me. for three innings. then he laughed. i want to murder Mr. Dillon.
why, why why do i do these things to myself. god, my high school and most people in it would be ash right now if i learned the lesson earlier. my nickname in australia was murder. Murder. yes, i look that happy. what the hell is wrong with me.
im a terrible friend. im in this for myself i think, since i cant contribute anything else.
im sorry johnny, i didn't know it was happening. i didn't mean to be so drunk. i didn't mean to arouse a hug when you're the one that needed one.
im sorry steve, i didnt mean to wake up the neighborhood. i didnt mean to call you a liar. im sorry you have to look at me everyday.
im sorry amy and amanda and neely and cat.
im sorry jamie. i morphed into every man i hate.
and to the rest of you, im sorry. I'm sorry you have to be on the receiving end of my loud mouth.
im going back to bed.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
the horror, that horror
just a few moments ago...
main window: The Desert Eagle
second tab: Jabberwocky
Google search bar: menopause
put them in whatever order you like. obscurity bleeds just the same.
main window: The Desert Eagle
second tab: Jabberwocky
Google search bar: menopause
put them in whatever order you like. obscurity bleeds just the same.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
on the replay. Va bene!
He knows how to blow things up.
I find this an admirable quality in a man. Damion would rave at me about exhaust pipes and batteries and the neighbor's M3 - the black one with the license plate that said "hers". Yea, sure. He would pace like his green beret father then squat on his desk chair typing in hysteria, pulling up formulas that i saw in 8th grade chemistry when i lit my hand on fire with a pack of matches while trying to light a bunsen burner. If he were there then he would have explained that too.
Gas knows how to blow things up and Gas is a chain smoker. A diagonal line at the pump only means half price to Gas.
My father knows how to blow things up, but he only reacts with one thing and thats the bitch. The bitch doesn't know shit about chemical equations but she knows about physics. She knows that she has three inches of skid room before she hits the wall when thrown from the top step. She knows that shit happens though and i guess you could call that a chemical equation.
I know you can't put foil in the microwave, that magnesium makes bright lights, and that i am a buffer for boys.
I know that bleach can be ingested in small doses, that meth is a popular cooking channel and that my brain and i enjoy a good firefight.
I prefer small bic lighters, she prefers nuclear weapons.
I find this an admirable quality in a man. Damion would rave at me about exhaust pipes and batteries and the neighbor's M3 - the black one with the license plate that said "hers". Yea, sure. He would pace like his green beret father then squat on his desk chair typing in hysteria, pulling up formulas that i saw in 8th grade chemistry when i lit my hand on fire with a pack of matches while trying to light a bunsen burner. If he were there then he would have explained that too.
Gas knows how to blow things up and Gas is a chain smoker. A diagonal line at the pump only means half price to Gas.
My father knows how to blow things up, but he only reacts with one thing and thats the bitch. The bitch doesn't know shit about chemical equations but she knows about physics. She knows that she has three inches of skid room before she hits the wall when thrown from the top step. She knows that shit happens though and i guess you could call that a chemical equation.
I know you can't put foil in the microwave, that magnesium makes bright lights, and that i am a buffer for boys.
I know that bleach can be ingested in small doses, that meth is a popular cooking channel and that my brain and i enjoy a good firefight.
I prefer small bic lighters, she prefers nuclear weapons.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
at the end of three days past
Toad King speaking something sounding like too toffe stoped and asked the well wisher
"where would you be right now if you could be anywhere?"
the well wisher had thoughts, but never answered. This is what the well wisher thought:
father wisher wrapping her in blankets before she went to bed. the last things she said was hehehe before she drifted off to sleep.
the womb.
the beach. which one? she doesnt know. thats not good enough. the beach. please. makes her want to say everywhere.
but these are the things she decided on after the Toad King stepped down from the throne and passed the throne down to the 6th generation never removed:
on the back of a swan.
creamsicle pond.
and thats all she thought. no trees. no monkeys. no sky no sounds no sun. but there would be light because all she can think about is the color.
"where would you be right now if you could be anywhere?"
the well wisher had thoughts, but never answered. This is what the well wisher thought:
father wisher wrapping her in blankets before she went to bed. the last things she said was hehehe before she drifted off to sleep.
the womb.
the beach. which one? she doesnt know. thats not good enough. the beach. please. makes her want to say everywhere.
but these are the things she decided on after the Toad King stepped down from the throne and passed the throne down to the 6th generation never removed:
on the back of a swan.
creamsicle pond.
and thats all she thought. no trees. no monkeys. no sky no sounds no sun. but there would be light because all she can think about is the color.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Somewhere a Triangle in a Square
this is my third attempt at learning.
jesus, its not hard. All the information is right there, that's the way it is. What's wrong with you?
my mind just...goes away.
It's not like i am thinking about anything
more important
or more interesting
its just that where it goes
i follow.
i become this little pudgy baby
sitting on my bottom in the green grass
sucking my thumb and watching it
flutter overhead like a pretty butterfly.
weee, pretty butterfly.
see, you see that don't you?
and after 20 40 60 years of those pictures
i snap out of it and realize
what's wrong with you?
you're supposed to be here...
with this book in your lap
that you're supposed to finish
and think about in that critical manner,
but i dont ever get that far
before i start thinking in that useless manner.
how about a baby in my lap
looking up at ME
squat and saying
"Yo Ma, what the fuck?"
but by that time
the baby is blue.
think of trainspotting.
see, you see that too don't you?
forget the needles. just give me three words, half a page
a window. a floor.
the man that keeps walking back and forth.
a map of the piano and little B.
the things that come out of a center of a tree.
back and forth split screen lives interacts.
i had a girl last year
and i told her, coming the closest i could
that it makes me cry to think
no one is ever going to see this but me.
she ended up yelling at me.
unfortunately it seems
its not the way it is.
jesus, its not hard. All the information is right there, that's the way it is. What's wrong with you?
my mind just...goes away.
It's not like i am thinking about anything
more important
or more interesting
its just that where it goes
i follow.
i become this little pudgy baby
sitting on my bottom in the green grass
sucking my thumb and watching it
flutter overhead like a pretty butterfly.
weee, pretty butterfly.
see, you see that don't you?
and after 20 40 60 years of those pictures
i snap out of it and realize
what's wrong with you?
you're supposed to be here...
with this book in your lap
that you're supposed to finish
and think about in that critical manner,
but i dont ever get that far
before i start thinking in that useless manner.
how about a baby in my lap
looking up at ME
squat and saying
"Yo Ma, what the fuck?"
but by that time
the baby is blue.
think of trainspotting.
see, you see that too don't you?
forget the needles. just give me three words, half a page
a window. a floor.
the man that keeps walking back and forth.
a map of the piano and little B.
the things that come out of a center of a tree.
back and forth split screen lives interacts.
i had a girl last year
and i told her, coming the closest i could
that it makes me cry to think
no one is ever going to see this but me.
she ended up yelling at me.
unfortunately it seems
its not the way it is.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Saturday, January 29, 2005
dead bolt
if my door is locked
it means i was dancing last night
but if i answer
the music wont be as loud.
take into account
that i am a woman.
does that happen
when its seamless?
wait, wait
does that happen?
haha, no.
and thats why im laughing.
the only reason i believe in a god
is because something has to see this.
o read it
yea fuck off
see it, some movie....
oh yes do you know how much time that takes?
even if yes again
affirmative
yes doesnt mean i am telling the truth
kerry powell will know all
but he'll never forget my letter.
i want to die inside a broccoli cart.
cooked or raw?
bite the taste change
how does that happen
someone knows
but im the one thats eating it.
you all with your fucking music.
make it. be a ...............................composer.
say it outloud with just you and then
tell me about your fucking music.
hey shit man
this album doesnt come out till march
but i got it.
and i love it.
and i fuck the people in the ass who make it.
god i love it.
i go to shows
yea maybe thats how they make it
they dont care about you
but ill idolize them
and think about me
in front of my god damn box
reliving the same things
i felt
for free.
it costs nothing.
you know youre on top.
one leg left
one right
rocking it back and forth
wishing the drop outside the window
before it comes.
ever pause
at planes
at sirens
at the emergency
yes of course you do
(elapsed time)
it means i was dancing last night
but if i answer
the music wont be as loud.
take into account
that i am a woman.
does that happen
when its seamless?
wait, wait
does that happen?
haha, no.
and thats why im laughing.
the only reason i believe in a god
is because something has to see this.
o read it
yea fuck off
see it, some movie....
oh yes do you know how much time that takes?
even if yes again
affirmative
yes doesnt mean i am telling the truth
kerry powell will know all
but he'll never forget my letter.
i want to die inside a broccoli cart.
cooked or raw?
bite the taste change
how does that happen
someone knows
but im the one thats eating it.
you all with your fucking music.
make it. be a ...............................composer.
say it outloud with just you and then
tell me about your fucking music.
hey shit man
this album doesnt come out till march
but i got it.
and i love it.
and i fuck the people in the ass who make it.
god i love it.
i go to shows
yea maybe thats how they make it
they dont care about you
but ill idolize them
and think about me
in front of my god damn box
reliving the same things
i felt
for free.
it costs nothing.
you know youre on top.
one leg left
one right
rocking it back and forth
wishing the drop outside the window
before it comes.
ever pause
at planes
at sirens
at the emergency
yes of course you do
(elapsed time)
Friday, January 28, 2005
Crescendo, my friends and i will hear you around 2am
after that, pp with someone please?
No, i honestly dont think so.
There is an ice cream cone: fresh strawberry from a hand-cranked churn in the middle of a sunny california field.
Italio Marchiony asks me if i would like to have this ice cream cone.
I say sure, why not.
He hands it to me and I lap it up .
Did i really want that ice cream cone?
No, i didn't really want it, but it was there and it seemed yummy so i thought
sure, why not.
I have absolutely no idea what im talking about
because i started reading about the history of ice cream.
My point
is stuck in my eye.
I'm saying i haven't desired a relationship in a long time, but if something is offered
sure, why not.
i think i am heartless. I dont know
i care a lot more about ice cream than i do about this.
so anyway, lets get off track and a little more abstract because that's where im at.
drop it like its hot.
yes, that makes sense.
ok no. more talking. i wanted to say that i was drunk last night:
vodka+cranberry juice. vodka+ginger soda. beer.
vodka and ginger soda alone do not taste that great together. Think of this combination then throw in some more sauces. then tell me what you came up with.
which you wont, but that's ok im just writing anyway.
hey, what's up.
oh ok...yea, keep walking.
right. it's all in my head anyway.
i wanted to say that i was so damn proud of the shit i put on here last night while i was gingered up and then i woke up this morning and read it again and i wonder, little elfkin man, how do you run my brain when i'm drunk to make me think so godly of myself?
i stopped to think and now im tired of this subject. I can't wait for the elfkin man to come back and take the place of my cognizance. i didn't know that was spelled with a z. oh yes, i can hear his little push cart coming up the drive now.
anyway, im going to eat:
garlic pepper potatoes and sweet onion with a tomato bacon dipping sauce.
(kroger sliced potatoes in a can with sprinkling from a bottle and kroger tomato bacon salad dressing. The sweet onion is for real though)
peace.
No, i honestly dont think so.
There is an ice cream cone: fresh strawberry from a hand-cranked churn in the middle of a sunny california field.
Italio Marchiony asks me if i would like to have this ice cream cone.
I say sure, why not.
He hands it to me and I lap it up .
Did i really want that ice cream cone?
No, i didn't really want it, but it was there and it seemed yummy so i thought
sure, why not.
I have absolutely no idea what im talking about
because i started reading about the history of ice cream.
My point
is stuck in my eye.
I'm saying i haven't desired a relationship in a long time, but if something is offered
sure, why not.
i think i am heartless. I dont know
i care a lot more about ice cream than i do about this.
so anyway, lets get off track and a little more abstract because that's where im at.
drop it like its hot.
yes, that makes sense.
ok no. more talking. i wanted to say that i was drunk last night:
vodka+cranberry juice. vodka+ginger soda. beer.
vodka and ginger soda alone do not taste that great together. Think of this combination then throw in some more sauces. then tell me what you came up with.
which you wont, but that's ok im just writing anyway.
hey, what's up.
oh ok...yea, keep walking.
right. it's all in my head anyway.
i wanted to say that i was so damn proud of the shit i put on here last night while i was gingered up and then i woke up this morning and read it again and i wonder, little elfkin man, how do you run my brain when i'm drunk to make me think so godly of myself?
i stopped to think and now im tired of this subject. I can't wait for the elfkin man to come back and take the place of my cognizance. i didn't know that was spelled with a z. oh yes, i can hear his little push cart coming up the drive now.
anyway, im going to eat:
garlic pepper potatoes and sweet onion with a tomato bacon dipping sauce.
(kroger sliced potatoes in a can with sprinkling from a bottle and kroger tomato bacon salad dressing. The sweet onion is for real though)
peace.
love
i just gave an invisible audience
an audible lecture
on love
in technological terms
if you have a prejudice against video games
please update your flashplayer
or whatever has updated that since then.
i have all the mum albums
and im going to be oinked out of the pigpen
for my love
of theft
and walking around, plugged in and out of
it.
so if you see me
you'll understand.
if you love
and let them
you'll also understand.
an audible lecture
on love
in technological terms
if you have a prejudice against video games
please update your flashplayer
or whatever has updated that since then.
i have all the mum albums
and im going to be oinked out of the pigpen
for my love
of theft
and walking around, plugged in and out of
it.
so if you see me
you'll understand.
if you love
and let them
you'll also understand.
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