look around, what did you expect?

Daddy bought me this. Daddy bought me all of this. 29 days ago daddy bought me a new laptop, and I have 1 day left to buy office.

Kinda think that’s funny.
Kinda think its funny to see my daddy in an office. Kinda think its funny to see my daddy in his office, selling printing to people he understands, but misunderstanding things they buy. What do we buy. Do we buy words?

This is Microsoft (auto-wordily capitalized…amazingly, think about it) word. I keep typing off (and the automatice button prompts Office 2004 Test Drive User)

Yup, that’s right.

Automafice. Sounds right to me. This is why creativing writing majors don’t read over their work (think about it)
And this is why I do not ever want to have one of these things under my fingers again.

Megan,
If youre reading. You deserve this, for all these reasons. Ive found a few, grammar few, who I can rely on. When I start walking, or riding (im working on this one , thislife.org, episode, #111…funny you should search that site “adventures”) well my plan is to give this to you. You deserve it more than I do. You deserve well, the fucking world…black and blue, pink and white. I love you. What an amazing story you would make, thinking of me, walking/riding the world in your words. Oh wait, ive heard it. Good god, im so thankful you write.

Speaking of giving all you’re soul holds…

I thought, coming home, maybe after awhile, wouldn’t be so bad right?

I thought about that when I came clean to my bad ass high school grad colleage at UDF, whom I told, please do not go to college if you do not know what the fuck you are doing….

Well he’s going to be a business major and he’s a pretty boy, searching for a Miami apartment, so lets let the stereotypes abound until they call, then they cry, then they crawl back to you…

How about one more speaking of..

I thought coming home, maybe after awhile, wouldn’t be so bad right?

Wanna know why?
I love my family. I love my family so much. I love my family so much to let them know that I hate them. Yea that’s right. 2 of 3 of you have access to reading this and this is what I think.

I think we’ve been too nice for too long.

The Katrate Kid came out when I was born. So did 1984. The book, George Orwell? Well fuck if I read it, but dad, c’mon, you know about big brother???

So the same strange shit has been going on since the day I popped out (which, let me remind you, is the same womb you and I came from, meg…and the woman who owns it, well, I’ve been a little distant from. Imagine that beauty)

Well, Mr. Miyagi,
You taught me life is a journey, not a destination.
Sometimes I wish you knew your destination so I could know mine.

http://www.fast-rewind.com/kkid/
http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=oxford,+OH+karate&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8
http://www.mymiami.muohio.edu/news_events.php
http://www.google.com/u/muohio?site=search&hl=en&lr=&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=miami+equestrian&btnG=Search
http://www.admin.muohio.edu/apps/miamijobs/jobsOnLine/positonDetail.cfm?positionNumber=2172
http://www.admin.muohio.edu/apps/miamijobs/jobsOnLine/positonDetail.cfm?positionNumber=2172

(just because this does not work, feel the bullshit…on fiberoptic communication…2x the unreal, so real…………………..something so fake. Resumes are obsolete. Look at what education has gotten you)

To whom it may concern:

I am a miami student looking for training in horse care and basic riding skills. I've had prior experience with horses, but the experience was through a family friend, very informal and quite some time ago. I'm looking for a stronger experience in attempts to obtain possible jobs at various ranches in colorado or montana. I will not be a full time student next semester so i cannot simply take an equestrian class through miami. I'm looking to do all stable jobs in return for time around the horses. Free employment! If you can help me, or give me any further unformation, i would be so greatful.

Thanks very much,
Meredith Lobsinger

…(rephrased)….
To the obsolete that has placed this add:
I’m a fuck up in your prestigious piece of garbage school passionately wanting a way out to live my life the simple way it should be. However, because of marketing manure that this country has put in to place, I am being a piece of shit (the same shit from a horses ass that I am willing to pick up for free, so you will see at the end of my well written proposal that will never be responded to) … o shit again, it looks like I have made my point. Well, how about a story that no one carse about. Well, I used to be small and free and stupid and thus brilliant, and I had a family who knew someone else who had a farm. Funny how the simple things like names slowly fade away.

Well beyond the cats in the hayloft and feeling the duty of shucking corn for dinner without having to be told, I remember taking a walk on a horse, not in the stable, or the ring off the left of the barn, I remember you all sitting there, and I think it was amy there walking me on a white horse, and well, get on your bootstraps, the horse shook its mane and nehed. Yea neh. Shook its mane, and I was on its back being walked around, and I think you all laughed, but I wanted to make it canter without amy behind me.

Funny how the things that hold so close, Mr. Miyagi are things we haven’t lost hold of at all.

go ahead, pick ten cards

any ten cards
...

You're not happy.
You're good at pretending that everything in your life is good and you give off a great sense of security and self confidence, but you're not satisfied.
You dont know yourself well. You're restless, unsettled. You're a great pretender.

You like to give the impression that you're happy to be by yourself but in reality, you're mortified that your relationships failed and you believe that its your fault that they failed
and it may be so.
Regret in that area has caused you a great deal of pain.

You dont have many lifelong friends. The friends you have you made while you were with someone else and you weren't close to them; they were mostly your lover's or your other friends friends.
Some of them wanted to be close to you, but they thought you were inaccessible or that you were aloof.

You're very secretive.
And you dont trust easily.
And when you do let someone in, you regret it or resent them.

I think that you feel sooner or later everyone is a disappointment.

You can be assertive and hands on, especially in a crisis, but i think you live in constant fear of tragedy.
You're very very afraid of change.

You've met a man? That you're very taken with?
Maybe you're even obsessed with him.
But i dont think he's affectionate. And he's not someone that you can get to know intimately and you should be careful about misunderstandings because you have a tendency to become quickly infatuated and then you get embarrassed or depressed because things didn't turn out the way you expected them to.

You're a daydreamer.
And you should be careful because you definitely have a tendency to set yourself up for falls.

...
you should let me know if we're moving in the right direction. its possible that we could take a wrong turn and get lost,
especially since its our first time.

ahhhhhhhaaaaaaaa

i want to kill the suede dress
shes worked here for years

wanted to paint my face
in the usual mirror
of some early morning
green and fuscia
with no body around
to tell the wrong

ah ha

but i believe in spring
i believe in spring babe

something out of death
bright colors of the death
killing witch

well thats an act of kindness

ask if she knows
the now blossoms in springtime
with something fruity fresh
ask her if she knows the now
in springtime.

bleep.

This is.

Strange

Have you ever seen yourself through the eyes of someone else that you have become?
And looked at yourself through the eyes of the ultimate observer?

Have you ever thought about what thoughts are made of?

is everyone a mystery?
Is everyone an enigma?
They most certainly are.

Be in the mystery.

Its time to get wise.

Why do I like the man that sits behind the fireplace?

So who sees then?
Does the brain see?
Or do the eyes see?

(why does the brain posses a plural possessive whule the eyes, just becase they are two posses a singular?)

is reaiity what we’re seeing with our brain
or is reality what we’re seeing with our eyes?

Brain does not know the difference between what it sees
And what it remembers
Because the same neuronets are then firing

So then
What is reality?

Processing
Processing

Bubbling up to conciousness

4 billion a second
but we are only aware of
2 thousand of those
but the awareness is about
2 thousand of those
are about
our body our environment about time

receiving without integrating it

eyes always
but the brain cannot take it in

the camera is seeing a lot more than it is
because
it has no objection and no judgment

do our eyes see more than what our brain has the conscious ability to object?

and then the ones that let you vomit

You were thinking that I would leave you out of this?
After tonight?

Too many rooms to fill that I cant remember
Too many memories when nothing else maters
Even kid rock?
C’mon
We’re talking about god here

Unless we’re not actually talking.
Unless talking doesn’t mean anything
until it echoes through the empty
rooms (full of potential) where
we would be, if time and space
were different. At least

we know. At least we can
prevent what’s to come. We’ve got

batman
o shit
that’s so
French

Casement


Ice storm
70 degrees getting around freezing by nighttime
this is what you’ve been telling me to watch
the cold front
holding the density of the warmth

this is you.
Everything that comes after is
Nothing obscure
It means
The way you look at
The way you look at slipcovers forever
It’s the way I look
Under you.

Everyone is busy putting
in an appearance.
We know how to feel
no pain, but we don’t
know how to absorb it

with sourdough
bread, with chocolate,
with mineral water.

Do we think we can make loose
beams and a red brick fireplace
into something substantial?

Honey, it’s just us. We’re
In charge. We have
To knead the bread
Ourselves. We have to
Take care




Before I feel really bad about my life
I want to remember that I said
Get out of the car
That I said
I know who you are
That I said
Take a walk through this
Fireplace
That nothing could replace
Your room
of what I remember of your face
In that room
And now I sound like lenny kravitiz
But I mean more than trying to rhyme
But you mean more than trying to rhyme
When you’re trying that hard.





The karma sign
Think about Field of Dreams
And about Jane’s
Next big alcoholic break
Sleep my love
Till beaches sleep.