hello, this is swap and shop...

who was that woman?
that woman i just saw while walking out of the restaurant. She was sitting at a table by the door - glasses, a hat - like lois lane. She looked at me like she knew me and i said hello because i thought i recognized her, but i couldn't remember her name, so i just kept going out the door.
Now i can't even remember how i know her. I know i know her. I used to know her. Somehow she was very important to me; she helped me out in a time of trouble. She used to roll her eyes...id say something dumb and she'd roll her eyes and get me something i needed even though she didn't have to.
Maybe she works in the library, or the county recorders office, or at the newspaper. I think i may have been in love with her. No, she's too young, i was never in love with her, not in that way. It's just that i wanted something, needed something, and she was able to give it to me almost out of the goodness of her heart and now i can't even remember who she is. I'm sick. I'm old. I should just walk out into traffic and kill myself.
At home, at night, i go to sleep searching for the lost memory. Did i meet her down by the river in a canoe? or was it on a ferry in southeastern Alaska? or at the foreign correspondence club in Phnom Penh along the Mekong. She has something to do with water, with life, with mud.
I sleep poorly; turning and maybe even groaning in anguish. I do not care about the woman anymore, i am worried for myself. I feel as though there is a black hole in my brain and slowly, but surely its swallowing all the memories of my life.
I get up at 5:30 in the morning and drive to work in the dark. I feel terrible. I look like a piece of gum in the gutter. I pull into Java Joes to get some chemical help and there she is, behind the drive up window. I want to tell her i love her, but i don't because it would be too weird. All i can say is "wow" and she rolls her eyes and gets me my cup of coffee.

Scott Carrier