do we make judgements too quickly?
but do we feel inspired at the same tempo?
big thought for a small circumstance.
im coming home from a night of hard work (with good surplus!) and partial drinking. So after a vodka peppa and v8, i browse my new home's dvd collections. The only two i narrowed it down to were jay and silent bob's empire strikes back....or reality bites. she knows why i picked the latter. im thinking, especially based on projected points (or stories) that this is going to simply be a correspondence between you and i, sisterhead.
back to the thesis. its my sister. everyone has always said....wynona rider. i remember mermaids...with cher...who is mom, really. sexy but not cookie cutter model attirbutes, and with attitude...a cut or dry, this is the way it is...at least what ive experienced. and ethan hawk...(there is no secret handshake) blah stigma at this day and age but, meg, im sorry it took me so long to understand (but there is an IQ prerequisite).
based on the inspirations. if you own the dvd, as most dvds or vhs' you open with short credits. The first is...Field of Dreams. Enough said. My father used to spend his sunny days in the back yard by himself playing out all the positions to....well, what was his team? an all star team? maybe he can leave me a no\te. If he archived, he'd be the beginning of what we now call "fantasy baseball". Regardless, can i say, i've always liked to meet my granpa.
o and before i forget...dvd version....quatum leap. yes, available on dvd. hello???? im only cool because of my sister.
saturday august 27 2005 (sat early morning)
and you know what that means
first on my mind, i want to talk about
we're smart...we're able to get what we want...
most of the time.
what is love? attraction? infatuation?
i'm sorry, ive found the three to be in the same category.
i called steven after work because i called him before work to ask him about wireless internet. he answered like he does....and all i can think about is aftyn describing it as somekinda nonsense babble. damnit, i lost her exact phrasing, but i liked it and more importantly, i thought of it like that. she's brilliant, and at one point, attracted to his elusiveness....so what the fuck? why couldn't i have met and realized this 3 years ago...instead of noticing it now?
im different this year. I am weary of the first couple weeks....the excitement, the energy, the presumptuous goals for the year....so im trying not to set up the fall...but i still feel different. My head is so clear. and my roomates are amazing. and i have a job. and i dont have to worry about anything.
Stress is better than boredom, but i can't find anything better than stress that falls into the same responsibility way of life. Comfort? it seems too easy? Because i feel that...amy said today..."i can't believe that we've only lived here a week...feels like three months." I agreed....i was having the same thoughts wandering through the house today.
life has to be about the pain...at least for me. the good parts always come at the end, the comfortable parts always come the time before its over. its the regret question...yes, things could have been different, but i dont regret any of them. it does not wake me in the night, like an amputee feeling the phantom limb. Maybe its because i havent felt it before, it hasn't been a part of me. Or maybe we're always changing, maybe we're just the limb trying to find a body.
Paul in the kitchen says organization has always been my problem too. You just have to find a way to arrange yourself around the organization. DAMNIT DAMNIT three times again...like I always said, the best things can only be said once. Which is why, if you can't love yourself for anything else, just love the fact that you are the only one that heard it the first time
even if you dont remember it.
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2 comments:
slapped like an otter, every unholy day that I exist. For what, you might ask?
Repulsive language with no function, scrambled, shaken, shook, and broken. If elusive is the conceptual term or tangible word for this, I think I will need to have it surgically removed from my brain. I hurt.
i can't imagine how anybody in the world could NOT want someone -- someone they trust and respect and care about -- to say exactly what's up. not all the time, of course, but periodically. to say, "listen, you're doing _____, you're acting like ______, you're being a bitch/freak/baby." to point out the little dishonest bits. how incredibly refreshing, like having some kind of truthful mirror mirror on the wall. not because we're gluttons for punishment. rather because EVERYBODY's got little dishonest bits, little elusivities (sure, it's a word), little failure spots, and it's just goddamned refreshing to share those with someone else who sees them and takes them for what they're worth. flaws. flaws are lovely. duh.
how did i get so lucky as to have a sister like mine? i wonder, over and over again.
that movie. one of my favorite songs, circa 1994-ish, is "doing the unstuck," by the good ol' sad bastard Cure. wouldn't it be just positively smashing if there were a drug (ah, yes) that, instead of eroding your inhibitions along with your ability to discern ANYTHING, let you come unstuck from the person you are. floating around above and seeing what you do and say. the same powers of observation that you have for other people, only for yourself.
i think all hurt comes from unmet expectations. clean hurt (like, you know, a simple carbohydrate) comes from expectations unmet by people or situations outside of ourselves. the complex carbohydrates of hurt are the unmet expectations that come from inside ourselves. why can't i...? why do i...? when will i...? what the fuck is with me?
we have to continuously fight the urge to blame the outside when confronted with unmet expectations of the inside. it's like trying to put hurt on the atkins diet. maybe it works for a while, but eventually it all comes back.
language has a function. a flawed function. that's why it's such a lovely, perfect medium.
ah, how did i get so lucky as to have a sister like mine?
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