Chunked

i have two regrets so far.
one,
i refused (with tearful retort) to go on Splash Mountain at Disney World.
two,
i should have gone to my senior year prom with Logan Reed.

i figure this is pretty good...seeing that the two are fairly trivial.
i tried to come up with more, but for some reason the ones that bordered possibilities, i sent back to untroubled waters on the huge yacht containing all the other stupid things ive done...and have gotten out of.
sometimes i think i know everything, that i've got the whole picture in frame, that i'm seeing all the sides. Then that little pest DOUBT makes an awkward appearance and everything goes dark and scary and shitty. It's raining im cold and i dont know where to go.
its that life experience thing...gimme all you got....throw it at me Man.....hit me with your best shot....be kind to me, treat me mean, ill make the most of it I'm an extraordinary machine.
And i think im being all bad ass, i think i am a machine, steel stoned and seemingly indestructible. which is almost true. cept i forget about all those people, the really good ones, that have tickets to this Ms Masochism’s Circus on the fifty yard line. They're not exactly enjoying their popcorn.

Do i apologize? I should. I do. I'm sorry.

It's a lot...my head, my life, my little world. Sometimes i forget other people look at it. Like a snow globe. And i the little figure change, but there's still glass in between and no matter how hard you knock, you wont get i, the little animals attention.

until you, or i, break it the fuck open.

on a lighter note.
LOVE STORY. Erich Segal, 1970. This is a great book about perfect dialogue. You should all read it.

Based on the conversation that i had with my mother, yesterday, steven and my sister today, i thought that this would be an approporiate conjunction of these thoughts...and this wonderful book.

Oliver refuses to speak with his father. Father is turning 60, having a party. RSVP. Jenny calls and while on the phone tries to make Oliver talk to his father. He refuses, she cries. She tells his father,
"Mr. Barrett, Oliver does want you to know that in his own special way...Oliver loves you very much."
Oliver rips the phone out of her hand, the reciever from the wall and throws it across the room. Says,
"God damn you Jenny! Why dont you get the hell out of my life!"

she runs away, he chases her, trying to find her, yadda yadda. He returns, she's sitting on the steps. He feels terrible and where remedy follows sickness, tries to apologize to which Jenny says,
"Stop. Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Now, i know i have heard this line before, but it hit me. I know its cheese ball (and actually now the book sounds cheese ball....dont believe it!) but i stopped reading, for a good 20 minutes.
Is this the perfect apology, meg? Is the perfect apology, not in a philosophical sense, non-existent because there just shouldn't be one?
I think we hit something like that. As long as you're still around to not have to say sorry then you shouldn't ever have to say sorry.
makes sense to me anyway. :)

The woman behind the register at Delia's asked me if purple was my favorite color as i placed a purple skirt and a purple belt in front of her. I said no, actually, then explained my halloween costume. She replies, "Jem and the Holograms"
The conversation to follow was filled with starry eyed memories of this wonderful show. We came to the conclusion based on the artifacts of costume, that i would be Pizzazz, the lead singer of the Misfits.
how freaking perfect is that.

Cheers for Halloween and all other special events i care about that get ruined by the ever present and invisible force that is the counterpart to great expectations.

happy for the time

one review of the nonsense
one more down the hatchole for the
unconsciousness.

i wish i weren't as happy as i am
i wish i weren't as fat as i'm drunk.

meg, youll never believe,
i sold a baby sitting gig
with a giant pretzel
and a "san pellegrino"
for the kid.


06 - Saeglopur

oh EW really?

ok
ill honor your request
when you clean up my cooked up mess

http://www.amshq.org

you're fcuked up
if you're being fed ideals
before you can chew

letter to myself

its not like you think
i dont have a shoulda coulda woulda
look at it now this way, from here.
You've learned no lesson
I'm the same as you
bitter helpless and pathetic
death growing ignorance.
lets refrain from thinking
anymore or ever again.
congrats, you've secured
a small piece of wishfull thinking,
wouldn't it be nice to give a fraction of the piece
to the family across the street
huddling in the rain
lost and disabled
holding onto the shell
of a child
warped like the bent pieces of your car
destroyed like the reasoning you were once given.

do it again and ill put the weight of the world on your head.
you'll breathe every moment in living hell.

forgive me please.

Shit Shinnity Shit Shinnity Shit Shin Sharooooooo

enough about me, lets talk about you for a minute

i'm a live in the moment, fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal, you know.

enough about you, lets talk about life for awhile

ya know, sex always seems like the answer, and then afterwards, the answers you need multiply by like a thousand

the conflicts

well if you didnt, you wouldnt be losing your mind right now
if i didn't what?
care what people think about you

the craziness

ironically enough, i'm trying to guide you here. its like the blind leading the blind
lets go jump off a cliff accidentally
thelma and louise style?

and the sound of pretenses falling

that's all. im really ok.
just the little outside eyes, the therepists notepad
like "i like you. do you like me? check a box, Yes or No"
in a note folded strategically so as to double as a paper football
yeah that little personality thing gets in the way

allllllllllllllllll around allllllllllllllllllllll arrrrrouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuououououououououound

WHY ARE YOU SO PETRIFIED OF SILENCE
here can you handle this:

(Don't worry, I'm not gonna do what you all think I'm gonna do, which is, you know, FLIP OUT!)



and all i need now is intellectual intercourse

you're my brain food for the day. every other conversation is pretty vapid.
vapid? hello chicken dinner!

a soul to dig the hole much deeper

if only you were a guy
or if i were a guy
i could never undertake the responsibility of dealing with that boy's thoughts
i tip my hat to you, ma'am
i'm done being worried about not seeming deep enough to "get him."
o huney, no.
there is no depth
he smears all the lines out so no one can figure out hes just scared of everything.

if only i could kill the killer

i want to die. not really, but im really fucking losing my mind and i only have a few small reasons as to why
and we will land safely back in our bedrooms with our baby brothers out of the evil prince's grasp
im tired of being so mean to myself all the time
horomone levels have gone psycho

all i really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
and all i really want is a wavelength
all i really want is some COMFORT
a way to get my hands untied

Jean, Marguerite, and Sebastian

I was looking forward to saying that the only thing this online babble is good for is keeping track of my .
that was cute wasn't it.
but unfortunately, since ive compared dates, i am just insane for no good reason whatsoever.

maybe if i learned more about chemicals i would have something stronger to hold on to. Like God.

So im quitting smoking right? Well i am. Yesterday was day two. Let me remind you that i work in a bar. Ok, no big deal. But yesterday, last night, our cocktail waitress aimie comes up to me and asks if i'll look over her Big's paper. I ask her why she can't do it. She says she feels bad making comments. 2+2=the paper sucks doesn't it?

So i have a free beer to accompany this hellish disaster- a simple compare/contrast 5 pager on ancient roman and Indian religions. Let's just say i didn't learn much.
One of her major similarities was that...well, the religions still exist. Because there are monks and nuns. Yea, thats right, NUNS. I forgot to mention that she thought the Ancient Romans followed Catholicism...o but then there was this part that mentioned something about Polytheism. O yea. And they celebrate their gods. Now, i dont know a damn thing about either or any religion, but for some reason the word CELEBRATE does not enter my vocabulary when thinking about Buddhism.
O and yea, Buddhism....the first 5 sentences of the intro were about how she read Siddhartha in high school and how she didn't get it. One of her sentences: "This is." As is, this is true. Obviously, because you just said so. OOOOOwait, then this one: "It would be unfair to not mention the similarities between these two religions." THEN FUCKING TELL ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.....ITS YOUR DAMN PAPER.
It's a shining example of how most people can't think for themselves. The robot even takes first hand in writing papers. Everyone at the bar thought i was nuts. I kept yelling and laughing violently to myself. It was great. But god damn, it made me want a smoke.
Lucy came down, laughed with me then got all serious about Buddhism. (yes, honey, i know...its all about loving life, that's great)
so i went upstairs to circle and was going to leave, explaining my lean toward the door as an escape from this smoke haven. And then i said fuck it and had a drink with her, christian and keith. SO i had two more beers and a shot of jack and a very long talk about quitting smoking....and all of a sudden im drunk. But im not drunk drunk, im cracked out drunk. Suddenly the world is not the same...suddenly the absence of nicotine is like a dead baby crawling towards me on the ceiling. What the fuck.
I try to sit down with Justin, Reuben, and Brian to play uchre, but we're playing at the bar and its all wrong and ali isn't there...and the very boy to put a voodoo hex on my head is going to be my partner and im 12 seconds away from christmas...shots....so i leave. i take a smoke from Ruby, tell them im going to pack it with greens. Brian makes fun of me, i dont care.
I leave. I get home. I smoke.

Dont give an insane girl: boys, drinks, stupid people's papers, vague sexual comments, compliments, drugs ESPECIALLY when she can't smoke and is on her 15 days road to the greater PMS.

This did not make the baby go away, this made the world fold up 1000 folds and slide itself into my head where it unfolded itself again and again.

ever build a card tower? line up dominoes? play jenga? been to Rome?
8gazillion thoughts a second. as soon as you realize they're there, they fall.

who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear

i made so many discoveries about myself last night, but i forgot them all.

2 days and the rest of this evening. i can't wait.

It's 7:10am, im due to check out in about 3hrs...

...when i clock in for work.
"I do love you, but i didn't know it was love cuz it was more than love, it was more than some stupid feeling i got in my stomach and i hate you i hate you"....blah blah blah..............
and then all of the employees dance their happy dance on top of the roof under the metaphorically repaired sign. Thank you AJ.
I asked Brian if he could teach me willpower. He gave me some suggestions for redirecting my thoughts (ps, we're talking about smoking here) which he did and which were helpful, but surely not enough to keep me going. What did keep me going was this one REASON that i have been neglecting.

I estimate that i smoke at least 3 packs a week. (at least)
Parliament lights cost $4.25.
Lets do math.

$4.25x3=$12.75
$12.75x3=$38.25/month

spring break starts march 11. That's 7 months away.

$38.25x7=$267.75

which pays for my plane ticket to Key West. which means i have $267.75 to now spend on alcohol because i'll just drink more if i can't smoke.
:)
the best part was when he instructed me to go to the bank and take out $100 in singles. When the sun goes down and the day has been smoke free, i get to tack $4.25 up on my wall. Then after some time, i would have a wall decorated with dollar bills. Blissful sight to fall asleep to.
So that's that.
I dont love, not capable. Dont know what its supposed to be like, dont know if my ideal is asking for too much, but the "flutter" (equates to something like giddiness, except it usually makes one physically quiver with just one thought involving that flutterworthy individual) that i get is completely sexual. That's it. I'm sad. I'm a pathetic pathetic person. Who can't even like, let alone love.

Not that i care all that much, its just what i have come to realize.
But its ok, because im quitting for the kids.

Can't wait to find the man that packs the genius gene so i can pop out some perfect kids.

There was this family that came in today.
One girl had boy cut short hair and was the most hyper little thing. She made me think: this is the prime example of childhood ignorance. I'm gonna do and say whatever the hell i want because i dont even know. anything. at all.
The other sister had blonde straight hair and said please and thank you and sat still with her hands together on the table, conscious of the elbows.

I miss my family.
They're tops. That's love.
Four days till the best four to sit around a dinner table.

good god i wish i could sleep.
Damn you doppio espresso macchiato.
Damn you dreams.
Someone enclosed a burning cigarette in a jar and sold it on e-bay. They called it “ghost”.
Another guy claimed that he was in a New York club and Brittany Spears was walking in front of him. She farted and for some miraculous reason he had a Tupperware container on hand. So he caught Brittany Spears’ fart and sold it for $300.







Images provided by Google search "flutter"
I call it a thematic sequence.
so do you if you get it.

out. out out out out.

o fiona, you luscious sadist

I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes
-And-
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb,
But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time

I notice that my opponent is always on the go
-And-
Won't go slow, so's not to focus, and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide, as long as
They go fast from whence he came
- But he's no good at being uncomfortable, so
He can't stop staying exactly the same

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at piece and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play

I am the baby of the family, it happens, so
- Everybody cares and wears the sheeps' clothes
While they chaperone
Curious, you looking down your nose at me, while you appease
- Courteous, to try and help - but let me set your
Mind at ease

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

o I so worry you, you need to hurry to my side?
-It's very kind
But it's to no avail; I don't want the bail
I promise you, everything will be just fine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

excuse me, do you speak body?

daydream delusion
limousine eyelash
o baby with your pretty face

drop a tear in my wineglass
look at those big eyes
see what you mean to me

sweet cakes
and milkshakes
i'm a delusion angel
a fantasy parade

I want you to know what i think
don't want you to guess anymore
you have no idea where i came from
you have no idea where we're going

latched in life
like branches in the river
flowing down stream
carving a current

i carry you
you'll carry me
that's how it could be.

dont you know me
dont you know me by now?

I'll say it again

how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?




only one.




but the light bulb has to really want the change.




This is beyond seeing everyone and admiring them for what they do.
This is beyond my irrational perfectionist need to be these people and do what they do.
I can write it off to a few things,
but i see the cliff up ahead
and i do
press on the gas instead

of the break.


everyone has plans they're not really committed to
everyone has dreams that they've decided they can't have
commitment means...
when youve given up?

How does one give up on something they can't even or ever realize?
o please, give me redemption
an aftermath
because im afraid
of what i have forgotten to do.

what to want
when what you get
every moment
is something better than anything
you could have asked for.

make it real
make it written
make it speak
make it paint
make it taste smell
make it
make it breathe
for which it becomes
something that someone else can see.
say you dont need anyone
you are sublime.
say you mean it
and no one believes you.
say you are in love
with this
i say you are not alive to love
i say you are an empty space of wasted energy
but nothing is still something.
describe the nothing