Jean, Marguerite, and Sebastian

I was looking forward to saying that the only thing this online babble is good for is keeping track of my .
that was cute wasn't it.
but unfortunately, since ive compared dates, i am just insane for no good reason whatsoever.

maybe if i learned more about chemicals i would have something stronger to hold on to. Like God.

So im quitting smoking right? Well i am. Yesterday was day two. Let me remind you that i work in a bar. Ok, no big deal. But yesterday, last night, our cocktail waitress aimie comes up to me and asks if i'll look over her Big's paper. I ask her why she can't do it. She says she feels bad making comments. 2+2=the paper sucks doesn't it?

So i have a free beer to accompany this hellish disaster- a simple compare/contrast 5 pager on ancient roman and Indian religions. Let's just say i didn't learn much.
One of her major similarities was that...well, the religions still exist. Because there are monks and nuns. Yea, thats right, NUNS. I forgot to mention that she thought the Ancient Romans followed Catholicism...o but then there was this part that mentioned something about Polytheism. O yea. And they celebrate their gods. Now, i dont know a damn thing about either or any religion, but for some reason the word CELEBRATE does not enter my vocabulary when thinking about Buddhism.
O and yea, Buddhism....the first 5 sentences of the intro were about how she read Siddhartha in high school and how she didn't get it. One of her sentences: "This is." As is, this is true. Obviously, because you just said so. OOOOOwait, then this one: "It would be unfair to not mention the similarities between these two religions." THEN FUCKING TELL ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.....ITS YOUR DAMN PAPER.
It's a shining example of how most people can't think for themselves. The robot even takes first hand in writing papers. Everyone at the bar thought i was nuts. I kept yelling and laughing violently to myself. It was great. But god damn, it made me want a smoke.
Lucy came down, laughed with me then got all serious about Buddhism. (yes, honey, i know...its all about loving life, that's great)
so i went upstairs to circle and was going to leave, explaining my lean toward the door as an escape from this smoke haven. And then i said fuck it and had a drink with her, christian and keith. SO i had two more beers and a shot of jack and a very long talk about quitting smoking....and all of a sudden im drunk. But im not drunk drunk, im cracked out drunk. Suddenly the world is not the same...suddenly the absence of nicotine is like a dead baby crawling towards me on the ceiling. What the fuck.
I try to sit down with Justin, Reuben, and Brian to play uchre, but we're playing at the bar and its all wrong and ali isn't there...and the very boy to put a voodoo hex on my head is going to be my partner and im 12 seconds away from christmas...shots....so i leave. i take a smoke from Ruby, tell them im going to pack it with greens. Brian makes fun of me, i dont care.
I leave. I get home. I smoke.

Dont give an insane girl: boys, drinks, stupid people's papers, vague sexual comments, compliments, drugs ESPECIALLY when she can't smoke and is on her 15 days road to the greater PMS.

This did not make the baby go away, this made the world fold up 1000 folds and slide itself into my head where it unfolded itself again and again.

ever build a card tower? line up dominoes? play jenga? been to Rome?
8gazillion thoughts a second. as soon as you realize they're there, they fall.

who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear

i made so many discoveries about myself last night, but i forgot them all.

2 days and the rest of this evening. i can't wait.